Hilarious

A guy walks into a bar, says “Damn, I didn’t see that!”

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their bum with an iPad.

The word “Boob” is the perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the two Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. Perfectly engineered!

Daughter: Mommy, what’s it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world ? Mother: I don’t know, ask your grandmother.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? The bucket

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought “Dogs are easily amused.” Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

I was watching this dog lick his balls. I turned to the guy next to me and said, “Man, I wish I could do that.” He said, “Give him a biscuit, he might let you.”

One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance… so I pushed her over

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.

I don’t always get asked out on a date. But when I do… It’s on April 1st.

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, “I’m not happy.” I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

When it seems like everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist in the bathroom? Because his p is silent.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

 

Thank you! I will be here all week.

This humour interlude is brought to you be the letter H in support of the A to Z Challenge.

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