Baldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

tom cruise

Bald is a popular choice for men these days, it seems. I know of at least 6 who’ve opted for the depilated dome. I think in most cases this is most likely a male ego response to early onset balding. The 21st century version of the comb-over, if you will. I can see it. Nothing ages a guy faster than a bald top and a little pelmet of hair round the sides. And look how much tougher you look with a bald pate. Take Walter White in Breaking Bad. With hair he was just a middle aged man. Bald, he was a hard-nosed drug dealer! Better to whip the lot off if you ask me. I’m struggling with the coastal erosion of my own hairline, and when the balding at the front meets the balding at the back, the lot’s coming off. Yes, bald is definitely a modern day alternative to the fake rug, comb-over or ridiculous hair implants. And it is definitely a fashion choice for the right person – male or female.


I’ve often wondered though – how do you keep it all looking tidy? Do you start by shaving your beard and just keep going, like peeling an apple in one continuous thread? Is a whole-head wet shave de rigueur? How often do the pesky follicles pop up again? How do you see round the back? And did a baldy ever accidentally shave off their eyebrows?

I’m all for a fellow taking more care of his appearance, and the bald look is definitely a choice worth making for some, but I’ve noticed that some chaps take their trimmings much farther than others. From my unintended observations at the gym, there is a growing trend towards depilatory destruction of other previously proudly bushy body parts. It was not that long ago that a hairy chest was a proud sign of masculinity. Now those pecs are pared of all stray sprouts. I’ve seen many a well-toned chap with nary a hair on his body – and yes, I do mean he has taken up all his carpets and replaced them with a nice polished hardwood (drapes and carpets? Get it?). Now, I’ve no knowledge of whether he had continued his depilatory designs to include the basement and backdoor, so to speak, but I’m willing to lay odds he could well have been an advocate of the back, sack and crack routine so favoured by the proponents of brotherly love. Those boys have always looked after their appearance, of course. The Brazilian look first saw the light of day (or the place where the sun don’t shine) with this solution to entanglement like two sides of a Velcro fastener. No doubt it also allows for a smooth docking procedure too. Before we go too much farther, let me make it clear that I’ve no personal experience in whether the muscle-men go for the sack and crack routine – I don’t know them that well. But I’ve noticed more and more chaps these days who are taking a more extreme approach to follicular deforestation. It’s pretty hard to ignore when you’re sitting down and the guy next door walks out of the shower and bends to get something from his bag. I feel your pain, girls. I feel your pain.


This increasing tendency for male pubic pruning is apparently for hygiene reasons (or perhaps, as has widely been espoused, on the off-chance of a BJ). I hear the ladies do appreciate a man who takes care of business, so to speak. One who is skilled in the art of testicular topiary. A manscaper in all senses of the word. And truth be told, a tree standing out on its own is going to look bigger than the same tree swamped in vines and creepers, so, you know, if a guy wants to maximise his assets he should be thinking about the frame for the picture. We’ve been asking our ladies to slash and burn for long enough. Time to man up and swish that Gillette.

So let me leave you a point to ponder. Drapes and Carpets. Do practitioners of the polished pate routinely practice the arts of manscaping? Do they stroke their physique with the mighty blade? Should a real man use a cut-throat razor regardless of the territory under attack? Is a No-No an no-no for the more sensitive areas? And do they face the southern tropics alone, or go in with a partner, so to speak (you trim my bush and I’ll trim yours?).

Some points to ponder next time you spot a baldie. If you find any answers, just drop me a line.

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