F is for flamingo

FThe pink flamingo first appeared on lawns and gardens in the US of A during the late 1950’s. This pretty pink peccadillo was a Trojan Horse to infiltrate the soft underbelly of American family life. The brainchild of the African Pgymy Warlord, Ngojo Dimojo. Ngojo controlled drug empires across the African continent, using his Black Magic powers to bring to life inanimate objects to his own nefarious ends. He controlled these objects using Voodoo – the puppeteer pulling the strings.

Ngojo had heard that the Gnome people controlled the drug flows within the suburbanite Mythology. He wanted a piece of the action. Ngojo’s evil plan was to drive the Gnomes out of their territory by swamping the lawns and gardens of suburbia with Flamingos.

His flamingos were trained as attack dogs, their curved beaks sharpened to razor points. Their long, spindly legs allowed them to move with equal ease through unmown grass, flower beds and ponds. They were able to launch sneak attacks on Gnomes who were sitting quietly, fishing perhaps, or potting some cuttings. This war was unwittingly fuelled by Man who adopted these gaudy garden ornaments. They liked the brashness, the flash of colour, the decadence of an African bird strutting across their manicured McMansion lawns.

The Gnomes did not take this sitting down. Their elders recalled when the Fairy People had attempted to move from the woodland fringes into the open savannahs of the lawn lands. The Gnomes, with no other option, had befriended the Flower People who owned the beds and borders. The Flower People helped concoct the evil Fairy Dust from the seeds of Foxglove and Narcissus. The drug caused extreme vanity and lassitude in the Fairies, and they were content to lay around, or lethargically flap from stem to stem, seeking out puddles of water in which to preen themselves. Thus subjugated, the Fairies no longer held expansionist ideals, and the lawn lands returned to peace.

But how would the Gnomes deal with the influx of pink power to their kingdom? This flashy fledgling could surely not be left to thrive? At first the battle was hard on both sides as the flamingo fighters and Gnome nobility fought for suburban dominance. Flocks of flamingos appeared on lawns. The Gnomes were in retreat. Once more, they were forced to use another to save themselves.

The Gnomes had seen how Man was an accomplice in the flamingo uprising, and so they saw him as an enemy in this war. Gnomes are far more intelligent than Men, so their subjugation would be much easier than it was for the Fairies. They knew that Man was controlled by the Box in their homes. Pictures told them what to buy and what to believe. So the Gnomes infiltrated Man’s mind through their  TV shows and advertising. They gained kitch popularity by creating the Little People shows. Their leader ensnared Man’s mind by appearing in adverts as the Travelocity star, and used hypnotic suggestion. As a result, people grew tired of the gaudiness of pink. Ngojo’s Army was forced to the fringes. The only outlet Ngojo had for his narcotics empire was through the flocking of flamingos for birthdays and special events. These flocks can still be seen occasionally, but are becoming increasingly rare.

But Ngojo has not been defeated. He has found a new puppet to help in his invasion of Suburbia. This time, he is using the waterways and bathtubs as his channel. The rise of the Rubber Duck may yet spell the end for the native Gnome.


Posted in response to the A to Z thingamy.

7 thoughts on “F is for flamingo

Add yours

  1. The only reason I would want a lawn is just to put a pink flamingo on it. And maybe a fake wishing well, with a bucket of fake flowers 🙂


  2. I gasp every time I see any of these hideous objects in someone’s garden, and wonder how in the name of all the gods anyone thinks they’re nice. Thus do I appreciate your story !


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