I’ve got a theory on the true nature of cats in human society, and it’s not good.
Based on the research observations of 60+ feline specimens which have passed through the hallowed halls of DrewLlew Manor over the last three years, I can assure you, gentle reader, that cats are up to no good, and it is all in the service of their evil Overlord. I am not yet certain whether their Overlord represents the Dark Forces of Satan, or is a conduit to the ancient Alien forms who seek to use Earth for their own nefarious ends, but either way, it’s not good.
My research has been conducted under cover of a ‘fostering’ opportunity offered by the local animal rescue services. No cats were harmed in the interests of science, but I’m under no illusion that the cats did not extend the same courtesy. No doubt my family and I have been infected with some evil feline parasitic form. I know for certain my Dearly Beloved has been infected – for she was once a devoted Dog Lover, and she has since been ‘converted’ to the Dark Side by the forces of Felinicity.
cats arose from an alien life form
With so much research data available, I’ve been able to conduct ground breaking scientific observations on the feline life-forms. My conclusion is that cats are not of this world. I’m not entirely sure yet of their origin, as there are two distinct possibilities and the truth has been lost in the mists of time. There is clearly strong evidence that cats arose from an alien life form. Don’t believe me? Try holding a cat’s head with the ears flat. Notice the resemblance to those aliens from Area 51? Or take our present ‘house guest’ , who is actually an Ewok. Obviously not a real Ewok – that would be silly. Ewok is a fiction from the creativity of Mr Lucas’s imaginatarium, but the creature is quite possibly from the alien race George was in contact with when he originated the Star Wars saga. The resemblance is obvious. Or maybe ET – I hear George and Stephen both have a direct line to the aliens who live amongst us for their plot ideas, so it stands to reason they would draw on the beings who form the human /alien interface for their characterizations of alien life.
My other theory, perhaps just a subset of the first, is that cats are from the Underworld. Spawn of the Devil. All the cats we’ve had have shown a strong desire to head down into the basement, or any other small, dark space. Clearly they are headed back to the Dark Lord for further instruction on human soul harvesting. I may be doing the Devil a disservice here though – it could easily be the aliens who are soul harvesters – another Hollywood plot line potentially blurring fact and fiction? What is clear however, whatever their origin, is that the purpose of cats amongst us is not benevolent.
In present day times, cats have become much better at disguising their intent. Occasionally there will be the odd slip, when ancient genes surface through the carefully crafted facade. Like, for example, the times when a cat has eaten the face off its human benefactor (either in sleep or death). Long ago, this was much more prevalent, hence the origin of the phrase ‘the cat got your tongue’.
Humans have clearly known that cats are portents of evil since ancient times. Egyptians may give us the strongest evidence in support of the alien life form hypothesis. I believe it is quite possible that cats had originally infested another planet, and they were teleported through time and space using the Pyramid structures created explicitly for this purpose – an extra-terrestrial extermination if you will. To appease their newly arrived and unwelcome overlords the Egyptians raised cats to the status of deity, and built the cat/god statue we know as the Sphinx.
Further evidence of the evil intent of cats across history can be seen throughout our language. Many of the words beginning with ‘cat’ are words of destruction, disaster, death or decay. I present before you words such as catastrophe, cataclysm, catacomb, catatonic. Even catalyst, though not a term of destruction, represents the thing that brings enormous change when introduced into a previous benign state. Bring a new cat into a home – need I say more?
The church has tried to overcome this by utilizing ‘cat’ in religious phrases, in an attempted exorcism of the feline face of Lucifer, hence catechism, catechumen, and of course, cathedral and Catholic. However the best known deterrent for the household infested with feline fur-balls is of course, the creature created to be the faithful companion, hunting aid, guardian and soul mate of Man. In an attempt to fight back against the evil that is cat, early man created and domesticated the wild wolves and then named this new protector in deference to the good Lord himself. And so we have dog.
This, clearly, is where we get the term ‘religious dogma’. Catma must mean the complete unwillingness to believe in anything other than one’s own self-interest. But think about it. So many words related to dog suggest loyalty, perseverance, effort. Case in point – we can be dog-tired. Cat-tired? I don’t think so. When did you ever see a cat do anything that could tire itself? Work like a dog – hard at it. Work like a cat? Well, you get my point. To be dogged implies persistence and tenacity – strong tenets of our canine companions. From this I must infer that ‘catted’ means limited ability to focus and a complete lack of focus on anything (other than a red dot).
Dogfights were the aerial battles fought doggedly between arch rivals. Cat fights on the other hand are the clawing, scratching, spitting battles between female rivals. In slang terms, to be a dog generally means a friend, maybe with a mischievous glint, ‘you old dog’. Try calling someone a cat, though, and she’s likely to scratch your eyes out. And another – I’m not ashamed to say I’ve spent my fair share of time in the doghouse. I would most certainly not be proud to say the same of the cat-house.
So there you have it. Unequivocal, scientifically proven and unbiased research that cats are evil aliens intent on destroying the human race for the betterment of their species, whilst dogs are benign benefactors, supportive, loyal, strong and true. Who’s a good boy then?